A Lizard and a Cardinal

I have a story about a lizard and a cardinal, of course it’s about more than that.

Not long after my father died, I was awakened at 5:30 one morning by a loud tapping noise. I found a male cardinal sitting 20’ up on the ledge of a clerestory window in my living room, banging his beak against the glass, seemingly wanting to get in. He kept at it daily for 3 months, reminding me it was time to get up or something. Maybe time to feed the cat. His doggedness left my sister and I jokingly deciding that was my father had been reincarnated as a cardinal. Before his death, he’d been upset that he hadn’t been well enough to travel to see my new home in Tucson. He’d always been an early riser and cardinals were a favorite, so you can understand how we got there. That bird first annoyed me with his persistence, then when disappeared for quite a while after finding a ‘lady friend’, I missed him. I’d only see him on rare occasions when th two of them sat quietly in a tree at the back of the yard.

On the day I got the news that my son had died, that cardinal sat in the tree next to my front door, alone, all day. My sister in WI had a cardinal at her back door off her sun porch. My niece had a cardinal keeping her company in the window of her downtown Chicago apartment. Dad was looking after us.

As we talked about the bird on that awful day, my sister said, “maybe it’s not dad, maybe it’s Alex”. I joked, “if Alex were picking a spirit animal, he’d chose a snake or a lizard”.

The day I returned home from my son’s funeral in Denver, a large lizard was sitting on the patio sofa next to my front door. He remained there every day for weeks. I’d go outside and sit with him, talk to him, and cry for him. And myself. We said our goodbyes, shared our regrets, our love.

Then they both disappeared.

Today, they both returned. Together. The day after my birthday.

I’m not quite sure what I believe about spirituality or life after death or what level of woo I’ve embraced or whether some magic exists in the Universe that delivers what is meant for us when we’re ready for it.

But I do know that today I feel protected. Today I feel loved.